anchorage commercials–the 80’s

I got this video from duncan and will now provide commentary.

0:06

“Joe knows what to do with people like you”? The Anchorage commercials video starts off strong with a mafia/murder vibe.

0:11
The rain and the streetlights is so anchorage. I love this already.

0:14

City of Wasilla? I guess this is a commercial for murder. And joe is literally a murderer for hire.

0:16-0:22

flashcut shoes FAN SPIN scissorts close-up OH DON’T KILL ME coming closer PLEASE DON’T KILL ME getting closer OH ohhhhhhhhhhhh he’s just trimming off a single bang.

0:33

don’t talk to me I’m reading belly-up right now

0:44

“They gave me this for an air conditioner!” I literally cannot see what he is holding up. Nice camera work. Perhaps a straw hat? Also that dude has a lot of flowers, is he like getting married or something texas married.

0:50-1:00

You dumb texas fuck you better go to whitset I’m flying direct now shut up

Everyone on the plane: whatsit?

her: WHITSET can you guys not see I’m trying to read here

plane flies off into the only blue sky anchorage sees all year

FIN

1:03

hahahahahahahahaha vince you little wimp reading books cry to mommy

1:04

wait who the hell is talking he is alone in that room

1:14

LISTEN TO THE SAGE VINCE

YOU MUST FIRST BECOME AWARE OF WHO YOU ARE

DO YOU UNDERSTAND

1:28

I’m really disappointed it cuts away just before the fight. 80’s anchorage seems like a violent place

1:35

The logo for the tiger and dragon club, incidentally, was drawn by vince. he works for a nice graphic design firm in new york now. he has a nice girlfriend, do you know marty’s daughter peggy? peggy that’s right. peggy is such a nice girl.

1:40-1:50

I feel like they just let the camera roll on this one. it was an authentic search for the props he was supposed to use.

1:51

ok lemme just set this candle down here before I stab this guy

2:05

Priceless.

2:08

MAN LIZER KNOWS ALL HE IS A HORTICULTURIST AND A TV PERSONALITY

2:24

Ortho weed b-gon goes down and kills (the roots of the plants.)

there’s nothing more effective for killing (weeds) than ortho weed b-gon

2:35

Has anyone told Man Lizer that ducks are not actually plants

2:42

there was a lot of idea crammed into those opening shots. 1. skyline and mountains 2. epidemic 3. hats 4. your hair sucks

what possible conclusion should I be drawing here

2:48

…AND THE BEAT DROPS

2:49

WHY IS SHE WEARING A GIANT CREDIT CARD DOES LANI WEAR A GIANT CREDIT CARD WHEN SHE’S CUTTING HAIR??? THAT SEEMS HARD

2:50-3:00

obligatory hilarious shots of 80s hair

3:06

fuk u no hats in lani’s place

3:14

earthqua–oh no it’s the neighbors banging again

3:18

a man is literally brandishing a vacuum and saying “ahghhuhuhguhaghuahg.”
if someone broke into my quaking apartment I would be far more afraid of violence rather than incoherent vacuum cleaner salesmen

3:25

this still looks exactly like the interior of every single house in anchorage

3:26

“AUGHGUAGHAHG” *smashes buttons*
“No, incoherent vacuum sales neanderthal.”

also, the cigarette in his mouth is not lit. he’s i suppose not figured out how to make fire yet.

3:34

everything I want in an apartment and more is an electric stove in off-white underneath my sun altar

3:43

My dentist is in that building. huh.

3:59

WhoaAaaaa, little touchy with the clientele there, lady!

4:07

freeze frame on that tableau GO

4:15

cue charming banjo music

4:36

cue charming tape distortion

4:41

make a pun

go ahead

I dare you

4:45

“What has no gears, is not red, and does not come from Japan?”

well that actually describes most of the things in the universe
I know the answer is going to be an american-made ATV
but there are a lot of other answers

I predict none of them will make you smile though, atv man

5:07

Alaska: butt-rock capitol of the world since neaderthal vacuum salesmen roamed the steppe, on ATVs

5:08-5:37

ROCK OUT

5:38

OKAY STOP

we’re done now

never smile

never let them see

5:53

let all men know that the bassoon is code for hip-swingin’ elf

let alllaladies know that elf is code for PARTY STARTED

6:00

I mean it’s mostly astounding to me that there were ads for arcades in the eighties. Ads for arcades! Which could tell people to live out their fantasies!

6:14

Quentin finley passed away in Anchorage in the 1980s when a commercial used its entire budget to purchase a fire effect, but did not have enough to purchase a fire extinguisher

oh who am i kidding it was just a guy with a can of hair spray and some matches

anchorage was a violent place in the 80s

6:18

happy pumpkin

6:22

machete

6:29

happy pumpkin

6:33

MACHETE MACHETE MACHETE MURDER MURDER MUYRDER UIPMPGNKING KPIJGKINF STRIKE STRIKE

happy halloween anchorage I hope you don’t get murdered

**

ps I’lll release a sample chapter of the book soon. bye everyone

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