Horrible Turkish foods

Turkish food gets a lot of cred for being good. The Ottomans had a long time to refine and develop their palates, also they had an unlimited supply of slaves, and a lot of leisure time, and slaves plus leisure time equals six different ways to stuff an eggplant, or also a harem. Anyways. To balance the scales a little bit, I compiled a list of horrible turkish foods.

Patso is a sandwich made from french fries. A guy just takes old french fries, like fries that were defrosted under a heat lamp some ten hours ago, and just piles the soggy, starchy bastards onto a wonder bread roll, and then squirts mayonnaise and ketchup upon it. The fries stick out every which way, like porcupine quills. It tastes bad.
Rating: two out of ten eggplants

Ayvalık Tost
“Tost” quite humorously is the word “toast” written in a phonetic alphabet, also it is not actually toast but a grilled cheese sandwich. Ayvalık tost is a grilled cheese sandwich, except the man behind the fast food kiosk counter has inserted flamboyant pink and red sausage, sour deli meat, fermented beef hot dog* (this is not an exaggeration), tragic pickles, old tomato, old cheese, ketchup, and mayonnaise. It should only be eaten during or after periods of extreme alcohol consumption, and it would even give a golem heartburn.
Rating: Sixteen Tums and aspirin for the hangover

*in a country without pork, hot dogs must be made of something that is not pork, which is usually the parts of a cow which nobody else wants, which isn’t that unusual really, but then they ferment it, which is sort of unusual, but far more unusual is how they keep and serve it, which is in a tureen full of heavy red fluid only describable as primodrial ooze, and the sosis just steeps all day in it, as if they fast-food kiosk man expects life to spontaneously assemble out of fermented cow parts. Then, if you order one, it is served like a regular hot dog. With ketchup and mayonnaise.
Rating: Please no make it stop

Kelle paça
Sheep’s brain/ hoof soup.
Rating: Indiana jones probably encouraged his love interest to eat it, without much success

School Cafeteria Bulghur/Buğday
“It actually just tastes like little bugs.” –Anna Bergstresser
Rating: See above

Menengiç coffee
Imagine you’re getting ready to enjoy your day, and do to that you need coffee, so you take the coffee and put it in water and make it HOT! woo! alright now replace the coffee with “ground-up dusty wild pistachios” and replace the water with “discount coffee creamer” and replace the “HOT!” with “have you met my friend, lukewarm?” It’s less bad than just disappointing, but it was a strange idea in the first place.
Rating: four out of five coffee beans

Street cat
Oh my god, he’s joking right? They don’t actually eat…cat in Turkey, do they? Is that….no, he has to be having one over on us. That Ernie can be pretty funny sometimes…but cat though? I mean they eat dog in China. How close is Turkey to China? Cat?
Rating: (meows)

  1. Kelly Zeiner said:

    dad wants to eat the hot dog (without ketchup)! miss you, love you,

  2. Carole said:

    I see the Lindy influence and I like it. What’s the Turkish equivalent of street meat?

    • Wet hamburgers. I’m not kidding. They take hamburgers and put special sauce on them and let them steam all day, and they sound terrible and are strangely delicious, which is why they didn’t make the above list. That or döner kebab, you know, meat shavings + stuff in a wrap.

      AND yeah I was kind of thinking about Lindy when I wrote this one haha. I’m glad you noticed.

  3. Maddy said:

    this your defining piece

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