My roommate’s name is eyetouch. It’s not spelled like that, but who cares? He is a Turkish rock guitarist, composition student, and total hipster. His girlfriend and him came in one night, wearing suspenders and caps and matching black tees. How did they meet? Eyetouch, in his own words:

“Well, I was in Trakya, you know Trakya? I was in there, my family has a summer house, and I was diving and spear hunting. I was walking along the beach, bag of fish in one hand, spear gun in the other hand, and [puffs out chest] I feel like primitive hunter, and she sees me. We go to her place, and her place is right next to my family’s cabin, and she cooked the fish.”

Wait, back up. You hunt fish with a spear gun? What?

“Yes, I dive to maybe, 8 or ten meters deep, and I see all the fish, and think, hm. They are not escaping from me. So maybe, I can kill them! And I buy a speargun [mimes speargun] Pffff! [mimes dead fish] blaaaaaaaagh.”

Eyetouch, on improvising:

“It feels incredible man. When you get there and play, deddedleliidleelidiledildeidleidle, and you sayy YEAAAAH, FUCK YOU BEETHOVEN FUCK YOU BACH! I AM GOD!”

Eyetouch, on the best tomatoes I’ve ever eaten:

“Mmm, these are not so good. You get to a village, have some real tomatoes, wow, incredible.

Eyetouch, on breakfast:

“I think we can have: Eggs with Cheese.”

Eyetouch, again on breakfast:

“Heavy metal breakfast!!! [mimes metal guitar line] dundundundundundundundundundundundundundund EGG IN THE HOLE!!!”

Eyetouch, on the gin and tonic:

“You know this drink?”

Eyetouch, on people:

“People are stupid.”

Eyetouch, on the delicious churro-like syrupy dessert things I love so much:

“What is the place where you pay for sex? Brothel? These are called, brothel rings. Don’t say it out loud!”

Eyetouch, on Turkish people:

“Turkish people are stupid.”

Eyetouch, on Turkish hospitality:

“Turkish people hate only one kind of person: other Turkish people. They love foreigner, oh hello, want to be like them, give them everything. Turkish people only hate other turkish people. [long pause] Let us get a dessert.”

Eyetouch, upon meeting the kittens:

“This one is a rocker.” [holds tiny cat paws in approximation of air guitar, then drums.] “dundundundundundundundundund EGG IN THE HOLE”

Eyetouch, on his name:

[touches his eye]

  1. barflorffrabbog said:


  2. lol Ernie, you meet the most interesting people. Sounds like your roommate is pretty awesome and hilarious. 🙂

  3. catluvrs said:

    This was fantastically written. Sounds like a pretty perfect pairing 🙂 I wish we could see a post by him about all the crazy things you’ve said upon discovering new things in Turkey, and see how funny you sound to him. -Z

  4. katewill said:

    Next post request: eyetouch delivering his favorite urknee lines. tyvm. xoxo

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